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A first conversation night

New to this1 hourTalking about desires and limits

This evening is a conversation for two adults who are new to this, built around the four parts that one study found in BDSM negotiations: style of play, body parts, limits and safewords[1]. It starts from the idea that consent in BDSM is the explicit and informed agreement by a participant to engage in specific acts or types of relationships[2].

You need

  • Nothing but each other
  • A safeword you have both said out loud
  • Water and a blanket for afterwards

Before you begin

Consent in BDSM is described as a personal, ethical and social issue, and it attracts much attention within the community[2].

Two well-known models of consent are safe, sane and consensual, the most recognisable and popular, and risk-aware consensual kink, the second most popular[3][4].

Safewords are usually agreed upon by all participants before playing a scene[5].

Ask each other

  • What does consent mean to you, in your own words?
  • Which of the two consent models, safe, sane and consensual or risk-aware consensual kink, sounds closer to how you think?
  • Are there topics you would like to rule out completely, and some you are unsure about?
  • How would you like to signal that you need to pause or stop?
  • How would you like us to check in with each other afterwards?

How the evening goes

  1. Settling in 5 min

    Sit comfortably somewhere private and agree that this evening is only for talking, with no play. Each of you says one thing you hope to get from the conversation.

  2. What consent means to us 10 min

    Take turns describing what consent means to you and what helps you feel able to say yes or no. Listen without interrupting and ask follow-up questions.

  3. The four parts 20 min

    Talk through style of play, body parts, limits and safewords in that order. Each of you says what you are curious about, what you are unsure about and what is firmly off the table, and notes it down.

  4. Choosing signals 15 min

    Agree on a safeword or signal and talk through the traffic light system of red, yellow and green. Say the words aloud and agree what each of you will do when you hear them.

  5. Closing check-in 10 min

    Each of you says how the conversation felt and what you would like to revisit. Agree when you will talk again and thank each other.

Aftercare

A safeword is a code word or other signal used by a person to communicate their physical or emotional state[10].

In one survey of 1,398 kink-involved people, 58.3% had not disclosed their kink behaviour to their physical healthcare clinician, and the authors linked non-disclosure to anticipated stigma[11].

Learn more: Consent, Hard limit / soft limit, Safeword, Negotiation, How to talk to your partner about kink, Yes/No/Maybe: mapping desires together

Make a version for us

Sources

  1. Source grade B“Conversational-Phases-in-BDSM-Pre-Scene-Negotiation” Journal of Positive Sexuality journalofpositivesexuality.org (via Wikipedia: Consent in BDSM)
  2. Source grade BWilliams, D.J. (2014). "From "SSC" and "RACK" to the "4Cs": Introducing a new framework for negotiating BDSM participation" . Journal of Human Sexuality . 17 : 1– 10 – via Gale Academic. go.gale.com (via Wikipedia: Consent in BDSM)
  3. Source grade CJacques, Trevor (1993). On the Safe Edge: A manual for SM play (1st ed.). Toronto, Canada: WholeSM Publishing. pp. 3– 4. ISBN 9781895857054 . (via Wikipedia: Consent in BDSM)
  4. Source grade CSwitch, Gary (2001). " "Origin of RACK: RACK vs. SSC" " . Vancouver Leather . Archived from the original on 2009-05-01 . Retrieved 2024-04-18 . web.archive.org (via Wikipedia: Consent in BDSM)
  5. Source grade CClark, Tracy (29 January 2012). "When safe words are ignored" . Salon.com . Archived from the original on 27 April 2013 . Retrieved 29 April 2013 . salon.com (via Wikipedia: Safeword)
  6. Source grade ABrown, Ashley (2019). "A Systematic Scoping Review of the Prevalence, Etiological, Psychological, and Interpersonal Factors Associated with BDSM" . Journal of Sex Research . 57 (6): 781– 811. doi : 10.1080/00224499.2019.1665619 . PMID 31617765 – via Taylor & Francis. tandfonline.com (via Wikipedia: Consent in BDSM)
  7. Source grade B”collarncuffs.com on safewords” collarncuffs.com; Holt, Karen (2016). "Blacklisted: Boundaries, Violations, and Retaliatory Behavior in the BDSM Community" . Deviant Behavior . 37 (8): 917– 930. doi : 10.1080/01639625.2016.1156982 – via Taylor & Francis. tandfonline.com (via Wikipedia: Consent in BDSM)
  8. Source grade CGilmour, Paisley (17 September 2018). "Everything you need to know about using safewords" . Cosmopolitan . Retrieved 28 December 2020 . cosmopolitan.com (via Wikipedia: Safeword)
  9. Source grade CWynne, Griffen (12 March 2019). "Here's How To Decide On A Safe Word, According To Sexperts" . Elite Daily . Retrieved 21 September 2026 . elitedaily.com (via Wikipedia: Safeword)
  10. Source grade C"Beyond Safe Words: When Saying 'No' in BDSM Isn't Enough" . Broadly . 10 December 2015. Archived from the original on 30 May 2016 . Retrieved 22 April 2016 . vice.com (via Wikipedia: Safeword)
  11. Source grade BSprott RA, Randall A, Smith K, Woo L. Rates of Injury and Healthcare Utilization for Kink-Identified Patients. J Sex Med. 2021. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2021.08.001

Grades: A systematic review or official classification, B peer-reviewed study, C expert or community organisation, D practice from the community without research. How we grade sources.

Every claim was checked against its source before publication. Last checked 25 October 2026.