Yes/No/Maybe: mapping desires together

What the list is

A Yes/No/Maybe list sets out sexual activities and other information so that partners can better communicate and understand each other's desires and limitations.[1][2] Each partner names an act and checks 'yes' for interested, 'no' for not interested or 'maybe' for maybe interested.[5]

The list can also note whether partners want to be giving or receiving, and other information such as sexual trauma triggers or safe words.[5] Such lists are common in BDSM communities and are also popular with sex therapists.[5]

Paper, therapist or app

Yes/No/Maybe lists exist as paper-based worksheets, therapist-guided exercises and digital tools.[3] Traditionally they have been printed questionnaires completed individually by partners before discussing their responses together in a facilitated or self-guided conversation.[3]

Digital versions typically let partners respond privately and compare answers afterwards.[3] The stated goal is to support communication while reducing performance pressure or discomfort during in-person discussions.[3]

Using it as a conversation, not a contract

Across formats, the emphasis remains on communication rather than prescription.[4] The lists serve as prompts for dialogue rather than as fixed agreements or measures of obligation.[4]

In sex therapy and counselling, they are used to help partners articulate desires, boundaries and areas of uncertainty in a structured, low-pressure way.[9] They support dialogue by normalising differences in interest and by emphasising consent as an ongoing process rather than a single agreement.[6]

From list to negotiation

Negotiation, meaning discussion of what activities are available and a mutual definition of the play, is described as required to ensure BDSM play is enjoyable and safe for both parties.[7] Scene consent is described as including the parameters of a top/bottom negotiation and agreement of a play scene, whereas surface consent is a simple yes or no.[7]

How much negotiation is needed is described as depending on the partners' trust and attachment, with more familiarity meaning less negotiation.[7] It also depends on risk, with less risky behaviour needing less negotiation.[7]

Safewords and signals

Safewords are verbal codes that both partners recognise as the end or altering of activities in a scene.[7] They are described as an important asset for continuing consent through the relationship and the scene itself.[7]

Community 'house safewords' follow traffic lights, where red means stop everything and yellow means slow down and go no further.[7] Where speaking is not an option, silent safewords such as clapping hands or snapping fingers can show that a scene must end.[7]

Words you may meet on a list

Those who take the superior position in D/s are called dominants, those who take the subordinate position are called submissive or subs, and a switch is an individual who plays either role.[10] Top and bottom can be used as synonyms for dominant and submissive.[11]

D/s participants often call their activity 'play', with an individual play session called a 'scene'.[12] The term vanilla refers to normative, non-kinky sex and relationships.[11]

What the evidence can and cannot tell us

Yes/No/Maybe-style frameworks have been examined in academic research related to sexual consent, communication patterns and behavioural intention measurement.[8] Research on marks and injuries from consensual BDSM-related activity is limited, and one exploratory study used a convenience sample of 513 US adults.[13]

Coercion and sexual assault still occur inside and outside the BDSM community despite precautions.[7] Forms of this include misunderstandings from a lack of communication about definitions and agreed-upon activities.[7]