How to talk to your partner about kink
BDSM participants are described as going to greater lengths than people in conventional relationships to negotiate important aspects of their relationships in advance[1]. Consent is described as the most important criterion, and it depends on having relevant information at hand[2].
In short
- BDSM is commonly mistaken as being “all about pain”, yet many activities involve no pain, only the exchange of power and control[3].
- Pre-play negotiation covers each partner’s interests and fantasies and sets a framework of acceptable and unacceptable activities[4].
- In a 2003 study of 17 couples, a “perfect match” of tastes was rare, and most partners took up or put away some desires[5][6].
- BDSM play is usually structured so that consent can be withdrawn at any point, for example with a safeword agreed in advance[7][8].
- Participants are advised to follow each other’s reactions empathetically, and aftercare is described as important for processing and calming down[9][10].
Step 1: Agree what the words mean
BDSM is an umbrella term for erotic behaviour between consenting adults, encompassing various subcultures, and terms for roles vary widely among them[11]. BDSM is commonly mistaken as being “all about pain”[3]. Many BDSM activities involve no pain or humiliation, just the exchange of power and control[3].
The precise definition of roles and self-identification is a common subject of debate among BDSM participants[12].
Step 2: See interests as an ongoing exploration
Negotiations concern the interests and fantasies of each partner[4]. In one study, respondents considered exploring their BDSM interests an ongoing task[6].
Step 3: Open the conversation
Pre-play negotiations are commonplace, and this kind of discussion is described as typical of BDSM sessions[4][13]. These negotiations establish a framework of both acceptable and unacceptable activities[4].
Dominance and submission explores the more mental aspect of BDSM, and it also appears in many relationships that do not consider themselves sadomasochistic[14].
Step 4: Listen to differences
A 2003 study, based on 17 heterosexual couples, demonstrated that “quality long-term functioning relationships” exist among practitioners of BDSM[5]. In that study a “perfect match”, where both shared the same tastes and desires, was rare, and most relationships required both partners to take up or put away some desires[6].
Couples in that study reported doing BDSM activities for “couple bonding, stress release, and spiritual quests”, and the activities varied from sexual to nonsexual significance for the partners[15].
Step 5: Share the information consent needs
For consent, people need relevant information, such as how far the scene will go, the potential risks, and whether a safeword will be used and what it is[2]. They also need the necessary mental capacity to judge[2].
Advocates of risk-aware consensual kink argue that discussing even low-risk possibilities is necessary for truly informed consent[16]. The agreement is occasionally summarised in a written “contract” setting out what can and cannot take place[2].
Step 6: Agree how to stop
BDSM play is usually structured so that the consenting partner can withdraw consent at any point during a scene, for example by using a safeword agreed in advance[7][8].
When speech is restricted, a “safe symbol”, such as dropping a ball or ringing a bell, is sometimes used instead[17]. Safewords are often arranged to provide for an immediate stop of any activity if any participant wishes[18].
Step 7: Check in afterwards and keep talking
It is considered important to identify each person’s psychological “squeks” or triggers in advance so that they can be avoided[9]. It is also important to follow participants’ reactions empathetically and to continue or stop accordingly[9].
After BDSM activities, it is described as important to go through aftercare to process and calm down from the activity[10]. A pleasurable experience is commonly considered to depend strongly on the top’s competence and experience and the bottom’s physical and mental state, and trust and sexual arousal help the partners enter a shared mindset[19].
Sources
- Source grade CWiseman, Jay. "Negotiation and Negotiation Forms" . Archived from the original on 2 December 2014 . Retrieved 26 November 2014 . evilmonk.org
- Source grade CDossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy: The New Topping Book , Greenery Press (CA) 2002, ISBN 978-1-890159-36-8
- Source grade CBarker, Iantaffi & Gupta 2007 , p. 13
- Source grade DDavid Stein: S/M's Copernican Revolution:From a Closed World to the Infinite Universe and Safe Sane Consensual: The Evolution of a Shibboleth available at s/m-leather history [ link removed ]
- Source grade CCutler 2003 , p. 99
- Source grade CCutler 2003 , p. 102
- Source grade CDossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy: The New Topping Book , page 72, Greenery Press (CA) 2002, ISBN 978-1-890159-36-8
- Source grade CWiseman, Jay (1998). SM 101: A Realistic Introduction . California: Greenery Press. ISBN 978-0-9639763-8-3 .; Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy: The New Topping Book , page 71, Greenery Press (CA) 2002
- Source grade CWiseman, Jay (1998). SM 101: A Realistic Introduction . California: Greenery Press. ISBN 978-0-9639763-8-3 .; Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy: The New Topping Book , page 111
- Source grade CZane, Zachary (4 October 2019). "What Is Sexual Aftercare, and Why Is It So Important?" . Men's Health . Archived from the original on 20 July 2020 . Retrieved 20 July 2020 . menshealth.com
- Source grade C"Dictionary of BDSM Terms" . Archived from the original on 2 December 2014 . Retrieved 26 November 2014 . xeromag.com
- Source grade CGrau, Johnson (1995). "What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean" . Leather Roses. Archived from the original on 11 January 2008 . Retrieved 27 January 2008 . leathernroses.com
- Source grade CBill Henkin, Sybil Holiday: Consensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely , pages 80–94, Daedalus Publishing Company 1996, ISBN 978-1-881943-12-9
- Source grade C"Face to face: Dominatrix and submissive" . BBC News . 22 September 2005. Archived from the original on 26 December 2007 . Retrieved 22 October 2009 . news.bbc.co.uk
- Source grade CCutler 2003 , p. 103
- Source grade C"Rack vs. SSC" . Within Reality . 2003. Archived from the original on 8 January 2007 . Retrieved 13 November 2006 . web.archive.org
- Source grade CWiseman, Jay (1998). SM 101: A Realistic Introduction . California: Greenery Press. ISBN 978-0-9639763-8-3 .
- Source grade CDeborah Cameron, Don Kulick: Language and Sexuality , Page 24, Cambridge University Press 2003, ISBN 978-0-521-00969-0
- Source grade CJohn Warren, PhD: The Loving Dominant , Greenery Press (CA), 2nd rev. ed., ISBN 978-1-890159-20-7; Bill Henkin, Sybil Holiday: Consensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely , Daedalus Publishing Company 1996, ISBN 978-1-881943-12-9
- Source grade BRatcliff SE, Wright S, Herbenick D, Sunassee AA, Cummings K, Zachary T, et al.. Why Sexual Choking Is Not as Safe as You Think: A Call to Action from Sex Researchers and Kink Educators. Arch Sex Behav. 2026;55(6):2397-2412. doi:10.1007/s10508-026-03481-7
Every claim was checked against its source before publication. Last checked 8 October 2026.