Skip to content
18+
Kinkcenter › Glossary

Negotiation

Negotiation is the discussion held before BDSM activity in which partners talk through their interests and fantasies and establish a framework of acceptable and unacceptable activities[1].

Sources: grade C×8, grade D×1. Last checked 8 October 2026. What the grades mean

Pre-play negotiations are commonplace as a way of ensuring consent, especially among partners who do not know each other very well[1]. Pick-up scenes at clubs or parties may sometimes be low in negotiation[1]. This kind of discussion is described as a typical and quite commonplace feature of BDSM sessions[2].

For consent to mean anything, people need relevant information at hand, such as how far the scene will go, the potential risks, and whether a safeword will be used and what it is[3]. They also need the mental capacity to judge that information[3]. The resulting agreement is occasionally summarised in a written contract of what can and cannot take place[3].

Compared with conventional relationships, BDSM participants in general go to greater lengths to negotiate the important aspects of their relationships in advance[4]. Written contracts are also often used to record formal consent to a power exchange and the partners' shared vision of the relationship dynamic[5].

Advocates of risk-aware consensual kink argue that discussing even low-risk possibilities is necessary for truly informed consent[6]. It is also considered necessary to identify each person's psychological squicks or triggers in advance so that they can be avoided[7].

The consent cycleSix steps in a circle: learn, talk, negotiate, play with check-ins, aftercare, reflect, and back to learning.Consent isongoingLearnTalkNegotiatePlay, with check-insAftercareReflect
Consent is not a single yes. It is revisited before, during and after every scene.

Sources

  1. Source grade DDavid Stein: S/M's Copernican Revolution:From a Closed World to the Infinite Universe and Safe Sane Consensual: The Evolution of a Shibboleth available at s/m-leather history [ link removed ] (via Wikipedia: BDSM)
  2. Source grade CBill Henkin, Sybil Holiday: Consensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely , pages 80–94, Daedalus Publishing Company 1996, ISBN 978-1-881943-12-9 (via Wikipedia: BDSM)
  3. Source grade CDossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy: The New Topping Book , Greenery Press (CA) 2002, ISBN 978-1-890159-36-8 (via Wikipedia: BDSM)
  4. Source grade CWiseman, Jay. "Negotiation and Negotiation Forms" . Archived from the original on 2 December 2014 . Retrieved 26 November 2014 . evilmonk.org (via Wikipedia: BDSM)
  5. Source grade C"Dictionary of BDSM Terms" . Archived from the original on 2 December 2014 . Retrieved 26 November 2014 . xeromag.com (via Wikipedia: BDSM)
  6. Source grade C"Rack vs. SSC" . Within Reality . 2003. Archived from the original on 8 January 2007 . Retrieved 13 November 2006 . web.archive.org (via Wikipedia: BDSM)
  7. Source grade CWiseman, Jay (1998). SM 101: A Realistic Introduction . California: Greenery Press. ISBN 978-0-9639763-8-3 .; Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy: The New Topping Book , page 111 (via Wikipedia: BDSM)
  8. Source grade CDeborah Cameron, Don Kulick: Language and Sexuality , Page 24, Cambridge University Press 2003, ISBN 978-0-521-00969-0 (via Wikipedia: BDSM)
  9. Source grade CDossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy: The New Topping Book , page 72, Greenery Press (CA) 2002, ISBN 978-1-890159-36-8 (via Wikipedia: BDSM)

Grades: A systematic review or official classification, B peer-reviewed study, C expert or community organisation, D practice from the community without research. How we grade sources.

Every claim was checked against its source before publication. Last checked 8 October 2026.