Taking turns leading
New to this1.5 hoursPower exchange, gently
The terms top, bottom, and switch are used to describe an individual's role during a BDSM activity.[1] A switch is someone who participates in BDSM activities sometimes as a top and other times as a bottom, or sometimes as a dominant and other times as a submissive.[2]
You need
- A timer
- A safeword you have both said out loud
- Water and a blanket for afterwards
Before you begin
The main difference between a submissive and a bottom is that a submissive cedes power in a power exchange dynamic.[3]
A bottom may or may not be a submissive, as power exchange does not have to be a component of their kinky play.[3]
The main difference between a dominant and a top is that the dominant exhibits control within a power exchange dynamic.[4]
Sexual communication was identified as one of five factors in a scale built to measure kink engagement, alongside kink identity, community, paraphernalia and practices.[5]
Ask each other
- What does 'leading' mean to you, and what would you like it to include and exclude tonight?
- Which small decisions would you be happy to hand over for ten minutes, and which would you rather keep?
- What word or signal will each of us use to pause or stop at once, with no explanation needed?
- How would you like me to check in with you during the evening, and how often?
- What would help you both feel settled once the evening is over?
How the evening goes
Opening conversation
Sit together and go through the questions above. Agree on a safeword and a non-verbal signal, decide who leads first, and set the limits for the evening.
First turn: person A leads
Set the timer for the agreed time. The leader makes small, pre-agreed decisions for the shared evening, such as the music, the tea or how the next few minutes are spent, and the other person follows or uses the safeword.
Check-in and pause
Stop the timer and talk about how the first turn felt. Each of you says what you liked, what you would change and whether you are happy to continue.
Second turn: person B leads
Swap roles and restart the timer. The new leader makes their own pre-agreed decisions, and the other follows or uses the safeword.
Closing talk
Put the timer aside and talk about the evening in your own words. Note what you would like to repeat, change or leave out next time.
Aftercare
In one survey, 19.0% of kink-involved participants reported delaying or avoiding healthcare because of anticipated or perceived stigma.[7]
Researchers in that study note that anticipated stigma leads to non-disclosure of kink involvement and delay in seeking care.[7]
Sources
- Source grade CJones, Angela (2013). A Critical Inquiry into Queer Utopias . Springer. pp. 111– 112. ISBN 978-1137311979 . books.google.com
- Source grade C"Switches and Switching in Kink & BDSM" . KYNK 101 . Retrieved 2022-09-24 . kynk101.com
- Source grade C"Submissive Honorifics in BDSM" . KYNK 101 . Retrieved 2022-09-24 . kynk101.com
- Source grade C"Dominant Honorifics in BDSM" . KYNK 101 . Retrieved 2022-09-24 . kynk101.com
- Source grade BLiam Wignall, Mark McCormack, Tom Carpino, Rebecca Owens, Thomas Barton. The Kink Orientation Scale: Developing and Validating a Measure of Kink Desire, Practice, and Identity. The Journal of Sex Research. 2024. doi:10.1080/00224499.2024.2387769
- Source grade BDrouin M, Hernandez E, Machette A, Garcia JR, Boyd RL. An exploration of marks/injuries related to BDSM sexual experiences. Sex Med. 2023. doi:10.1093/sexmed/qfad020
- Source grade BSprott RA, Randall A, Smith K, Woo L. Rates of Injury and Healthcare Utilization for Kink-Identified Patients. J Sex Med. 2021. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2021.08.001
Every claim was checked against its source before publication. Last checked 25 October 2026.