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Opening a relationship: a starting guide to CNM

An open relationship means one or more parties have permission to be romantically or sexually involved with people outside it, and the concept has been recognised since the 1970s.[1] This guide covers the terms, the negotiation work and the common challenges, because the style of an open relationship is described as mirroring the values, goals, desires and needs of the people involved.[2]

In short

  • Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is described as a type of marriage in which the involved parties unequivocally consent to their partners having romantic and/or sexual relationships with other people.[3]
  • Open relationship and polyamory are sometimes used as synonyms, but the terms are not synonymous.[2]
  • The most successful relationships have been those that take longer to establish.[2]
  • Studies have shown that 80 percent or more of couples in open marriages experience jealousy over their extramarital relationships.[4]
  • Some studies show that couples in open marriages can maintain satisfying relationships.[5]

What CNM and open relationships mean

Open relationships include any type of romantic relationship, such as dating or marriage, that is open.[6] In a closed relationship both parties agree to be with one another exclusively, whereas in an open one at least one party has permission to be involved with people outside it.[1]

The main unifying element across open relationship styles is non-exclusivity of romantic or sexual relationships.[7] CNM is described as a type of marriage in which the involved parties unequivocally consent to partners engaging in such relationships.[3] To a large degree, open relationships generalise the concept of a relationship beyond monogamy.[2]

Different shapes of openness

One form is the open marriage, in which the participants in a marriage have an open relationship.[2] Swinging is another form, in which partners in a committed relationship engage in sexual activities with others at the same time, and swingers may regard it as a recreational or social activity.[8]

Polyamory is the practice, desire or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.[2] The "open" in "open relationship" refers to the sexual aspect, whereas polyamory refers to allowing bonds to form as additional long-term relationships.[2] The terms polyamory and "friends with benefits" have come about within the past few decades.[9]

Take your time and ask what you each want

No two open relationships will be the same, and a relationship will change with the circumstances of each moment.[2] One of the most significant factors in success is making the relationship fit the needs of all parties involved.[2]

The most successful relationships have been those that take longer to establish.[2] Taking time to form a clear idea of what each partner wants from the openness allows people to self-reflect, process emotions and deal with possible conflicts.[2] For those moving from monogamy, it also helps them find ways to cope with the change.[2]

Many couples consider open relationships but choose not to follow through.[2] There may also be concern that a partner could become focused on personal development and pay less attention to the other partner.[9]

Negotiating agreements and boundaries

Negotiating the details is important throughout the communication process.[10] Topics commonly found in negotiations between couples include honesty, relationship maintenance, trust, boundaries and time management.[10] Some proponents argue that greater relational freedom often requires more, rather than fewer, agreements between partners.[11]

Boundaries can be physical, sexual or emotional.[2] They set out what is and is not acceptable to the members of the relationship, and help people feel safe and just as important as their partners.[2] Some couples create a physical relationship contract to articulate needs, wants, limits, expectations and commitments.[2]

Communication, honesty, self-awareness, boundary-setting and responsibility for one's own emotions are frequently cited as important skills.[11] Tools used in negotiation include veto of new relationships, prior permission and interaction between partners.[2] Some reject veto power because they believe it limits their partner's freedom, and a successful open relationship can still occur without it.[2]

Jealousy, time and logistics

Jealousy is often present in monogamous relationships, and adding partners may cause it to increase.[9] Some studies suggest jealousy remains a problem in open relationships because the actual involvement of a third party is seen as a trigger.[12] Many studies have reported that conflict occurs during episodes of jealousy.[13]

Time management can contribute to the success of an open relationship.[2] The limited amount of time in a day limits the actual time spent with each partner, and some find that if they cannot distribute their time evenly, they forego a partner.[2] Time management can also be related to equity theory, which stresses fairness in relationships.[10]

The logistics may be difficult to cope with, especially if partners live together, split finances or own property.[2] Numerous authors have also argued that open marriages can disrupt relationships by interfering with intimacy and provoking insecurities.[14]

Stereotypes and social pressure

Consensually non-monogamous relationships carry negative stereotypes, including that they are less sexually fulfilling, more sexually risky and less moral.[15] These stereotypes are reinforced by mononormativity, the belief that monogamous relationships are the most natural and culturally acceptable.[16]

There is a commonly held societal stereotype that people in open relationships are less committed or mature than those in monogamous ones.[17] Wanting an open relationship is also often claimed to be a phase before being ready to "settle down".[2]

What the research says about outcomes

Some studies show that couples in open marriages can maintain satisfying relationships.[5] Rubin observed no differences in marital adjustment between open and sexually monogamous marriages, and Gilmartin likewise found no differences in marital satisfaction.[5][18] Rubin and Adams did not observe any difference in divorce risk.[19]

Couples sometimes drop out of open marriage and return to sexual monogamy, and some may be left with negative feelings about the experience.[20][21] Others may continue to "see nonmonogamy as possibly good for others but not for themselves".[20]

Terms in this guide: Ethical non-monogamy / CNM, Open relationship, Polyamory, Negotiation, Consent

Sources

  1. Source grade CDoheny, Kathleen. "The Truth About Open Marriage" . Web MD . Retrieved 8 June 2013 . webmd.com (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  2. Source grade CTaormino, Tristan (1 May 2008). Opening up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships . Cleis Press . pp. 13–. ISBN 978-1-57344-295-4 . Retrieved 20 November 2011 . books.google.com (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  3. Source grade BBalzarini, R. (2017). "Perceptions of primary and secondary relationships in polyamory" . PLOS ONE . 12 (5) e0177841. Bibcode : 2017PLoSO..1277841B . doi : 10.1371/journal.pone.0177841 . PMC 5436896 . PMID 28542619 . ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  4. Source grade BBuunk, Bram (August 1981). "Jealousy in sexually open marriages". Alternative Lifestyles . 4 (3). Springer : 357– 372. doi : 10.1007/BF01257944 . S2CID 198498499 . doi.org; Ramey, James W. (October 1975). "Intimate groups and networks: Frequent consequence of sexually open marriage". The Family Coordinator . 24 (4). APA via PsycNET : 515– 530. doi : 10.2307/583035 . JSTOR 583035 . doi.org (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  5. Source grade BRubin, Arline M. (December 1982). "Sexually open versus sexually exclusive marriage: a comparison of dyadic adjustment". Alternative Lifestyles . 5 (2). Springer : 101– 108. doi : 10.1007/BF01083247 . S2CID 144809888 . doi.org (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  6. Source grade COur bodies, ourselves: a new edition for a new era . Simon and Schuster. 19 April 2005. pp. 165–. ISBN 978-0-7432-5611-7 . Retrieved 25 November 2011 . books.google.com (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  7. Source grade CGaal, Anna Gyulai (21 February 2019). "The many shades of open love" . EXBERLINER.com . Archived from the original on 6 December 2019 . Retrieved 4 July 2019 . web.archive.org (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  8. Source grade BBergstrand, Curtis; Blevins Williams, Jennifer (10 October 2000). "Today's Alternative Marriage Styles: The Case of Swingers" . Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality . 3 . Archived from the original on 29 September 2018 . Retrieved 24 January 2010 . web.archive.org; "Why Swing?" . Archived from the original on 4 November 2012 . Retrieved 4 October 2012 . web.archive.org (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  9. Source grade CLinssen, Leonie; Stephan Wik (1 August 2010). Love Unlimited: The Joys and Challenges of Open Relationships . Findhorn Press. pp. 11–. ISBN 978-1-84409-183-6 . Retrieved 20 November 2011 . books.google.com (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  10. Source grade BWatson, Mary Ann (February 1981). "Sexually Open Marriage: Three Perspectives". Alternative Lifestyles . 4 (1): 3– 21. doi : 10.1007/BF01082086 . S2CID 146973141 . doi.org (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  11. Source grade C"What is an Open Relationship?" . Sexologi.net . Retrieved 10 June 2026 . sexologi.net (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  12. Source grade BBuunk, Bram (August 1981). "Jealousy in sexually open marriages". Alternative Lifestyles . 4 (3). Springer : 357– 372. doi : 10.1007/BF01257944 . S2CID 198498499 . doi.org (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  13. Source grade CWhite, Gregory L.; Mullen, Paul E. (1989). Jealousy: theory, research, and clinical strategies . New York, N.Y: Guilford Press. ISBN 978-0-89862-532-5 . archive.org; Bryson, Jeff B. (1991). "Modes of response to jealousy-evoking situations". In Salovey, Peter (ed.). The psychology of jealousy and envy . New York: Guilford Press. pp. 1– 45. ISBN 978-0-89862-555-4 .; Buunk, Bram P. (1991). "Jealousy in close relationships: an exchange-theoretical perspective". In Salovey, Peter (ed.). The psychology of jealousy and envy . New York: Guilford Press. pp. 148– 177. ISBN 978-0-89862-555-4 .; Guerrero, Laura K.; Andersen, Peter A. (1998). "The dark side of jealousy and envy: desire, delusion, desperation, and destructive communication". In Cupach, William R.; Spitzberg, Brian H. (eds.). The dark side of close relationships . Hoboken: Taylor & Francis. pp. 33– 70. ISBN 978-1-4106-0111-7 .; Hansen, Gary L. (1991). "Jealousy: its conceptualization, measurement, and integration with family stress theory". In Salovey, Peter (ed.). The psychology of jealousy and envy . New York: Guilford Press. pp. 211– 230. ISBN 978-0-89862-555-4 .; Schaap, Cas; Buunk, Bram; Kerkstra, Ada (1988). "Marital conflict resolution" . In Noller, Patricia; Fitzpatrick, Mary Anne (eds.). Perspectives on marital interaction . Clevedon, Avon, England: Multilingual Matters. pp. 203– 244. ISBN 978-0-585-17592-8 . books.google.com (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  14. Source grade CHunt, Morton M. (1974). Sexual behavior in the 1970s . Chicago, Illinois: Playboy Press . ISBN 978-0-87223-393-5 . archive.org; Levinger, George (1979). "A social psychological perspective on marital dissolution" . In Levinger, George; Moles, Oliver C. (eds.). Divorce and separation: context, causes, and consequences . New York: Basic Books. ISBN 978-0-465-01682-2 . archive.org; Bancroft, John (2009). Human sexuality and its problems (3rd ed.). Edinburgh New York: Churchill Livingstone/Elsevier. ISBN 978-0-443-05161-6 .; Turner, Jeffrey S. (1996). Encyclopedia of relationships across the lifespan . Westport, Connecticut: Greenwood Press. ISBN 978-0-313-29576-8 . archive.org; Olds, Jacqueline; Schwartz, Richard S. (2002). Marriage in motion: the natural ebb and flow of lasting relationships . Cambridge, Massachusetts: Perseus Pub. ISBN 978-0-7382-0830-5 . (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  15. Source grade BLevine, Ethan Czuy; Herbenick, Debby; Martinez, Omar; Fu, Tsung-Chieh; Dodge, Brian (July 2018). "Open Relationships, Nonconsensual Nonmonogamy, and Monogamy Among U.S. Adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior" . Archives of Sexual Behavior . 47 (5): 1439– 1450. doi : 10.1007/s10508-018-1178-7 . ISSN 0004-0002 . PMC 5958351 . PMID 29696552 . ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  16. Source grade BHutzler, Kevin T.; Giuliano, Traci A.; Herselman, Jordan R.; Johnson, Sarah M. (2 April 2016). "Three's a crowd: public awareness and (mis)perceptions of polyamory". Psychology & Sexuality . 7 (2): 69– 87. doi : 10.1080/19419899.2015.1004102 . ISSN 1941-9899 . S2CID 144272136 . doi.org (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  17. Source grade CBailey, Beth (1 August 1989). From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in Twentieth-Century America . Johns Hopkins University Press . ISBN 978-0-80183-935-1 . archive.org (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  18. Source grade CGilmartin, Brian G. (1978). The Gilmartin report . Citadel Press: Citadel Press. OCLC 4135878 . search.worldcat.org (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  19. Source grade BRubin, Arline M.; Adams, James R. (1986). "Outcomes of sexually open marriages". The Journal of Sex Research . 22 (3). Taylor and Francis : 311– 319. doi : 10.1080/00224498609551311 . doi.org (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  20. Source grade CWeinberg, Martin S.; Williams, Colin J.; Pryor, Douglas W. (1995). Dual attraction: understanding bisexuality . New York: Oxford University Press. ISBN 978-0-19-509841-9 . archive.org (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  21. Source grade CGates, Jennifer (2001). Survivors of an open marriage . Spokane, Washington: KiwE Publishing Ltd. ISBN 978-1-931195-18-8 . (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)
  22. Source grade CHatcher, Robert Anthony; M.D, Anita L. Nelson (2007). Contraceptive Technology . Ardent Media. pp. 297– 311. ISBN 978-1-59708-001-9 . Archived from the original on 18 September 2017. books.google.com (via Wikipedia: Open relationship)

Grades: A systematic review or official classification, B peer-reviewed study, C expert or community organisation, D practice from the community without research. How we grade sources.

Every claim was checked against its source before publication. Last checked 8 October 2026.